I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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