living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
