rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
