I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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