I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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