its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I haven't been this sober since birth.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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