Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
