Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
