is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
