I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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