Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
