I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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