I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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