my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Drunk walkin through police station. America
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
