if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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