We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize