my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
