So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
