This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
