I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
