Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
