I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
