i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize