i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
