What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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