its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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