my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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