There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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