i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
