I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
