My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
