Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
The beer is more important than you right now.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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