So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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