The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
