i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
