i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
