Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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