Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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