Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
