I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Of course I have a pirate flag
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
