There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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