the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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