On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
