Betty ford says i'm here all night
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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