Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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