I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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