I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
it's great music for shaving your balls
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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