just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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