Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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