I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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