I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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