took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
