is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
