Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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