I was born with a shot glass in my hand
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
