i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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