It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
