So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
