I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize