Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i think i just lost a toe
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
