i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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