She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize