my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
