can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
