K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
